The Effects of Destructive Shame

Shame can feel devastating — even life-altering. It can take lives.

Destructive shame breaks us down, isolates us from those who care about us, and clouds our ability to see ourselves and others clearly. It whispers that we must hide our “brokenness,” convincing us we’ll never be accepted if anyone truly knew the real us. Sometimes, it even mocks the idea that anyone could care in the first place.

Harsh and vengeful, destructive shame is, paradoxically, also protective. It has worked tirelessly to shield us from rejection and dismissal, often by convincing us we’re “the worst” before anyone else can say it. Yet the toll is undeniable — destructive shame is linked to depression, anxiety, social isolation, substance abuse, chronic illness, and even suicide.

Healthy shame, on the other hand, serves as a compass. It nudges us back toward our values, morals, and goals. It says:

     "This doesn’t feel right. Let’s reflect, learn, and realign with what we believe."

As Brené Brown insightfully noted, 

     “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the 
     same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

By approaching ourselves with self-compassion and curiosity, we can begin to transform destructive shame into constructive shame. Healing is a process — and you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a licensed therapist can provide guidance and support as you navigate this journey.

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Citations:

Dickerson, S. S., Kemeny, M. E., Aziz, N., Kim, K. H., & Fahey, J. L. (2004). Immunological Effects of Induced Shame and Guilt. Psychosomatic Medicine, 66(1), 124-131.

Johnson, E. A., & O'brien, K. A. (2013). Self-Compassion Soothes the Savage Ego-Threat System: Effects on Negative Affect, Shame, Rumination, and Depressive Symptoms. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 32(9), 939-963.

Matos, M., Pinto-Gouveia, J., & Gilbert, P. (). The Effect of Shame and Shame Memories on Paranoid Ideation and Social Anxiety. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 20(4), 334-349. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.1766

Platt, M., & Freyd, J. (2012). Trauma and Negative Underlying Assumptions in Feelings of Shame: An Exploratory Study. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 4(4), 370-378. DOI: 10.1037/a0024253