The Ever-Changing Password of Parenting

You get word that you’re getting a brand new computer. Not just any computer — this one is special. It will change your life in ways you can’t yet imagine. You’ve read about it, dreamed about it, counted the days until it arrives. It’s supposed to open doors, spark creativity, expand what’s possible.

Finally, it’s here. You lift the lid, ready to begin — and you’re met with a login screen. There’s a password.

You didn’t set the password. It’s not in the manual or any of the guides you’ve read. You start guessing. Maybe it’s something simple. Maybe it’s something you should know. After a few tries, somehow, you get in — and it’s amazing. The world opens up just as promised.

But then, without warning, you’re locked out again. Same computer, but the password no longer works.

You try combinations, retrace your steps, scroll through online forums for answers. You feel frustrated, confused, maybe even a little panicked. And then — aha! You crack it. You’re back in, and it feels great. Everything flows, everything makes sense.

Until 36 hours later, when the password changes again. 

And there you are again — locked out, staring at the screen, wondering why this happened, again.

Parenting often feels just like that. Your baby, toddler, teen, or grown child is ever-changing — and the “password” that connects you to them seems to shift overnight. One day, you know exactly what soothes them, motivates them, makes them laugh. The next, that same thing is the worst possible choice.

You start guessing again.

In those moments of “login failure,” everything can feel disorienting. You question yourself. You wonder why what worked before suddenly doesn’t. You search for the new password — the right combination of patience, play, structure, empathy — that will unlock connection again.

And then, you find it.

There’s that moment of ease, of joy, of flow. You feel in sync again. Until the next update arrives — and with it, a new password you didn’t see coming.

But what if we expected the password to change?

If we know ahead of time that the system will update — that our child will grow, shift, and surprise us — we can meet those changes with a different kind of energy. The panic starts to fade. The self-blame softens.

We may still feel annoyed that the once-streamlined routine no longer works, but we stop asking, “Why is this happening to me?” Because we know — this is how development works.  It’s the rhythm of growth — unpredictable but constant.

Sometimes things are easy and other times... they're very hard. Growth, for both our children and ourselves, is expected. That’s part of being human: learning to evolve, to adapt, to stay curious about what’s in front of us instead of clinging to what used to work.

And here’s the part that makes parenting even more complex: it’s not only our children who are changing. We are, too.

Our sense of identity shifts. Our needs evolve. Our partnerships adapt — sometimes gracefully, sometimes with tension. Our work, friendships, priorities, and energy levels all move through their own versions of updates.

So when we find ourselves “locked out,” it’s rarely just that our child has changed the password. We’ve changed too. The whole system has updated.

When we expect change, we can move with it rather than against it. We stop waiting for things to “go back to normal” and begin learning what this new version of normal is asking of us.

Parenting isn’t about finding one perfect password and guarding it forever — it’s about staying open to the process of rediscovery, learning, adapting, and reconnecting as both we and our children grow.

The password will always change, and that’s not a failure; it’s a sign of growth, movement, and life itself.

Each time we figure out the new one, we’re reminded that connection isn’t about mastering the system — it’s about staying willing to learn it again and again and again... and again.