Shame: Why We Hide, and How We Heal
Shame thrives in the dark. It grows in the places we hide, in the stories we don’t tell, in the truths we swallow down because we’re convinced no one could ever understand.
Brené Brown puts it best:
"If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too."
Shame is fueled by isolation. But empathy—when someone truly hears and feels with us—shrinks it.
Why Shame Feels So Heavy
Shame tells us that we’re not just struggling, but that we are the struggle—that something about us is broken or unworthy. And because life doesn’t come with a manual, it’s easy to believe we’re failing at it.
We can’t live life “right” or “correctly,” no matter how hard we try. We mess up. We hurt people. We’re inconsistent, emotional, distracted, too much, not enough. In other words: we’re human. But shame convinces us that these normal struggles mean we’re alone, defective, or unlovable.
Silence Keeps Shame Alive
When shame shows up, our instinct is often to withdraw. We avoid, shut down, or cover up. We keep secrets. We play roles to meet expectations. And in doing so, we unintentionally give shame exactly what it needs to thrive: silence and isolation.
The less we speak, the more shame convinces us that it’s unspeakable.
The Power of Empathy
When you take the risk to share your story with someone safe, you may hear the two most powerful words: me too. Those words don’t erase the pain, but they remind you that you’re not alone in it.
When someone listens without judgment, shame begins to loosen its hold. It becomes a little more bearable because you’re no longer carrying it alone.
Moving Toward Healing
Shame wants you to believe you’re the only one. But the truth is, struggle is part of being human. None of us get it “right” all the time. And while shame thrives in secrecy, it cannot survive empathy, connection, and compassion.
You don’t have to start by sharing your story with everyone. Sometimes the first step is finding just one safe person—a trusted friend, a supportive family member, or a therapist—who can hold space for your whole self.
Therapy can be a powerful place to begin. It gives you a judgment-free space to bring the parts of your story you’ve kept hidden, to be met with compassion instead of criticism, and to slowly loosen shame’s grip.
Because you deserve more than silence. You deserve to be heard, understood, and met with empathy.
Final Thoughts
Shame tells us to hide, but healing happens when we connect. You don’t need to have all the answers, and you don’t need to carry the weight alone. Struggling doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re human.
And being human comes with one undeniable truth: you’re not meant to do this by yourself. Safe connection, whether with a loved one or a therapist, is often the beginning of real freedom.